In response to http://www.guitarmylife.com/songwriting-lyrics-vt835.html

Feel free to tell me that these lyrics suck...just as long as you tell my WHY they suck
I've been trying to fit this idea into a formal lyrical style, using rhyming patterns and emphasis patterns, but I have no music for it yet. I wanted to get the idea out and them hopefully shape the music to further express the emotional idea.

VERSE I (ABAB)

MADE to FACE the BLISTERING WIND
PASS through ME, DAMAGING
LOOK at THIS my GRUESOME GRIN
Can you TELL I'm NOT LAUGHING

VERSE II (ABAB)

SENT to WANDER in CAVERNS DEEP
FUMBLED tasks KICKED to the FLOOR
GIANTS AWAKENED from their SLEEP
If I stop PUSHING now, I'll be NO MORE

CHORUS (xAxABB)

If my LEGS turn to LEAD
I will KEEP RUNNING
If my EYES grow DARK
I will KEEP the SUN in
If the WIND BLASTS with hurricane FORCE
Dear PUDDLEGLUM, I will stay my COURSE

BRIDGE (ABAxCxC)

It FEELS like the END of the EARTH
It FEELS like the END of the WORLD
It FEELS like the END of the EARTH
No time to wait for HEROES
To COME and CUT my BONDS in TWO
Its ALL LEFT UP to ME
NOTHING LEFT UP to YOU

Of course, it's unfinished and I need at least some more verses. As you may have guessed "Puddleglum" is the name of a character in a book, whom I greatly admire. He's a real "wet blanket", but when the shit hits the fan, he's a regular brick. (The book is the fourth in the "Chronicles of Narnia" by C.S. Lewis, entitled "The Silver Chair", FYI, and also where the band "Silverchair" got their name from).

Post your thoughts (constructively) here, please!








_________________
P.S. - Calli is an A-hole. But I can't help but love her.

I like it!

My initial suggestion would be that the rhyming scheme in your first verse is too similar... IND, ING, and IN are really close so on verse 2 I was expecting a similar rhyming.

good stuff!

i like how you set the the rhyming scheme up like a regular poem. i would have never thought of that as i usually don't write and rhyme. you even showed what format you were going to use before the verse or chorus. ABAB xAxAB etc. that was good. as for the lyrics, i like them very epic and very cs lewis like(as you said, puddlegum is a character from his book series. very good books btw)

i like it mate!

hey, i'm going to move both songwriting topics to the show us your band area as that really is for the lyrics stuff. i'll give this a few more days and then move it

is it? Ok...I'm not in a band though.








_________________
P.S. - Calli is an A-hole. But I can't help but love her.

no worries. most of us aren't. i just noticed under the description for show us your band that it had a spot for lyrics. in all reality, this is an 'on topic' type of discussion, because, aren't lyrics supposed to be to a guitar?

Puddleglum wrote:

In response to http://www.guitarmylife.com/songwriting-lyrics-vt835.html

Feel free to tell me that these lyrics suck...just as long as you tell my WHY they suck
I've been trying to fit this idea into a formal lyrical style, using rhyming patterns and emphasis patterns, but I have no music for it yet. I wanted to get the idea out and them hopefully shape the music to further express the emotional idea.

VERSE I (ABAB)

MADE to FACE the BLISTERING WIND
PASS through ME, DAMAGING
LOOK at THIS my GRUESOME GRIN
Can you TELL I'm NOT LAUGHING

VERSE II (ABAB)

SENT to WANDER in CAVERNS DEEP
FUMBLED tasks KICKED to the FLOOR
GIANTS AWAKENED from their SLEEP
If I stop PUSHING now, I'll be NO MORE

CHORUS (xAxABB)

If my LEGS turn to LEAD
I will KEEP RUNNING
If my EYES grow DARK
I will KEEP the SUN in
If the WIND BLASTS with hurricane FORCE
Dear PUDDLEGLUM, I will stay my COURSE

BRIDGE (ABAxCxC)

It FEELS like the END of the EARTH
It FEELS like the END of the WORLD
It FEELS like the END of the EARTH
No time to wait for HEROES
To COME and CUT my BONDS in TWO
Its ALL LEFT UP to ME
NOTHING LEFT UP to YOU

Of course, it's unfinished and I need at least some more verses. As you may have guessed "Puddleglum" is the name of a character in a book, whom I greatly admire. He's a real "wet blanket", but when the shit hits the fan, he's a regular brick. (The book is the fourth in the "Chronicles of Narnia" by C.S. Lewis, entitled "The Silver Chair", FYI, and also where the band "Silverchair" got their name from).

Post your thoughts (constructively) here, please!

Impressive, you have a very structured style. I'd like to hear them with a song!








_________________
Metal.